It is crazy to think I am heading into my 40th year. I have had many different versions of myself over the years and depending on the audience different versions of myself at the same time. When I look back I see how I acted differently around certain people, in certain situations, at home and at school, around family and friends or even complete strangers, trying to guess what version of me they wanted to see. I lived by trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, afraid to be my true self. I wasn’t that interesting, I held my own at sports, I was ok at school. It always seemed like when I had something to say it was a split second too late and the moment passed, or at least that is what my ego told me.
I recently came to the realization that I have lived a significant portion of my life trying to be my dad. For those who do not know, my dad passed away in a car accident when I was 9 months old. I spent so much time missing him and thinking he left us, my thoughts always lingered around what life would be like with him alive. I was always trying to understand people telling me “things happen for a reason” or “there is bigger plan for all of us” Growing up, I was told many stories about him, like when he was a kid and how he was this amazing human. My dad was perfect. How could I live up to this legendary figure? I wanted to be like him, confident, unafraid but this scared me. If I wasn’t good at something that I knew he was good at, I felt like a piece was missing. Would I be good at it if he were here? I put this unconscious pressure on myself because it was easier to not try and fail then to try and fail. It was my invisible safety net that I lived with underneath me for so long. But along this journey, I realized all these thoughts and fears were meaningless. I have realized as I get older that things do actually happen for a reason. As tough as it may seem during difficult times, seeing the light and positive aspects in every situation is the beauty of life.
I know now my dad has been with me, guiding me and protecting me my entire life. He never really left us. His human experience with us was complete and he became apart of me in ways I can’t explain yet but I know in my heart our souls are connected forever. He has been with me every step of the way, loving me, guiding me, and supporting me even though I couldn’t see him. When I think back I question, why I carried so many fears and apprehensions? If only I trusted the universe, I could have been myself all along, unafraid to fail, and unafraid to be the real me. I think this where real growth occurs feeling comfortable not having the right answers but knowing they will come when I need them. Being comfortable and confident enough to really put myself out there. I am not that afraid child anymore.
My children have instilled strength in me. The strength to take chances, to act silly and have fun. To stop taking life so seriously. We dance, we sing, we make a mess. Creating and savouring the world around us, slowing down and enjoying life with a purpose. The lessons our children are teaching us are reminders for us because as they continue to grow they will go through similar times with tears of joy, tears of heartache and “just because” tears. These moments with our children now are to remember to remind us to always have strength to take chances, to act silly and to have fun when things get too serious. To always dance and sing and not to be afraid to fail. To continue imagining the world around us as a good place, to slow down to see the world through imagination and wonder.
I cannot tell you for certain how my life would be different if my dad was physically here but I know I have spent a lot of time imagining different scenarios of what could have been, I don’t do this anymore. I now know that I wouldn’t change a thing. I would not risk missing the chance of meeting my amazing wife, my soulmate, my twinflame and the beautiful mother to our children. For now, I will continue having spiritual conversations with my dad as we raise his grandchildren until my human experience is complete.
Logging off for now,
Rob
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